i seems to have alot of things to say.. about me, life, things around and people around.. but i don't seems to know where to start.. these few days too many things have happened.. it's always like this.. when i have the time to blog, i don't know what to write.. well, this is me..

many things have changed since the start of the year.. good and bad.. people step in and out of my life.. i realised i shouldn't have stepped into the cyber world 10months plus ago.. more sad news than good news.. i admit i've met quite afew good people.. but nevertheless, bad people are still there.. i can't say that they are bad, but it's just that there are too many misunderstandings.. too many differences.. more trouble caused as days goes by..

knowing isa is one of the things that happened to me in cyber world.. is it good or bad? i don't qualify to judge.. i can't make any comment on that.. loving her is never wrong in my life.. but if i didn't meet her on 18th dec, what would my life be? still flirting around? will i still be a good student? i don't know.. no one knows.. i did regret once in a while.. when my world come crushing down..

but for people around me.. those i met online, other than gina, hy and probably princey, i regretted knowing the rest.. including pat, hyuk, blue, nique, ryl, eve and so on.. think about it.. i don't belong to cyber world.. i have problems with almost everyone.. those who i have communication breakdown with.. i admit i'm not someone good.. but no matter how bad a person is, he/she still has their good points.. but sad to say, most of them only notice my bad points.. the bad things i do.. the way i treat them.. no matter how bad i am, i sincerely treated them nice at least once.. no doubt about that..

i'm leaving this place.. this online world.. i'm blocking everyone i know in the cyber world except isa.. if anything were to happen between me and her, i would be able to say that i have severe all ties with cyber world.. all names.. all events.. all memories will be erased.. if we ever meet on the road, don't worry, i will pretend that i don't know you people..

i apologise to those who treat me well.. i know people like ryl, eve, hyuk, nique, blue and so on treated me well.. it's just that i'm too pesimissitic.. i don't fit to be ur friends.. i know it well.. i don't qualify to be someone in ur life.. i'm leaving.. don't worry... once i settle my problem with nique, i'm leaving.. leaving this cyber world who once gave me so many problems.. so many sweet memories..

for that, i thank all those who came in and out of my life.. at least i know, once in my life, there's someone who treated me like a bro in the past.. someone they respect.. but like eve said, i don't deserve that respect.. leave it that way.. i'm as negative as before.. i'm sorry for doing this.. i know i'm selfish, but i'm sure all of u will live better without me.. i'm just a burden.. -smilez-

updating as frequent as i can is the only way to let those who care knows about my daily life.. no longer will jason be around for you people to bitch about.. no longer will there be jason to bitch about you people.. no longer will there be jason to care.. no longer will there be jason who fuck u upside down for ur mistakes.. no longer will there be a jason in cyber world who sucks.. -smilez-

so much of nonsense said, let's talk about love.. just finished a show.. it's about a couple who are both killers.. in the end, the guy died.. the girl, to take revenge for the guy, died with the enermy.. she's shot to death... dying for the one u love.. is it foolish or great? maybe i'm not someone who loves anyone that much, i find it foolish.. maybe i have different thinking..

I know i haven't been here for a long time, or i should say i don't use le anymore.. but the bloody blogspot ain't working.. and i have a sudden urge to say something here.. so ya, here i am..

Read through some bulletins in friendster.. There's one posted by ryl about the story.. it's sad.. i feel so fortunate to have *her and knowing that she loves me and i love her.. i can't imagine one day if she were to leave my life, what would it be.. if that day has to come, please let me know in advance.. at least i know i can stop it from coming..

passby another bulletin about life.. it's posted by xin yi if i'm not wrong.. saw this part about who you should marry.. marry someone whom u can really talk to.. coz towards the end of life, when u are old, communication is important.. i realised that's not really true for me.. i can't really talk well with *her.. we do have things that we don't agree with.. different point of views, different opinion.. then how? break? nonsense.. but i believe that as long as u have things to talk about in the future.. it would be the best.. what can u talk about? memories.. that's why i'm trying hard to create the memories.. so when we are old, we can talk about the sweet and bitter times in our life.. i'm sure we will have alot of things to talk about.. =]

i've just did something good recently.. helping purp`jose to patch with her gf.. her gf is like me.. that's why i know why her stead would ask for a break up and what can be done.. gave her advice on what she can do.. i have to thanks *her for this coz *she's the one who knows best.. told her what *her did to me when i asked for a break up and blah.. it helps.. what does it proves? *she's a good gf of coz.. -smilez-

i realised something that's in me.. i tends to get angry easily.. when i can't contact *her.. the helplessness in me.. i got pissed off everytime we have misunderstandings.. when ever i got angry while talking to *her, i'll try to calm myself down.. but not everytime works.. and i miss *her more and more.. i don't know what this feeling is but i'll just think about *her.. it's way much more than other days.. even in the past.. this feeilng seems so strong.. but maybe i didn't feel it before.. i don't know what it is.. and i olso don't know how to express it..

maybe it's because we haven't been seeing each other often.. ever since my common test starts.. and i think from now till the start of my holidays, i won't be able to see *her often due to my studies.. i'm sorry.. Well, guess i'm missing *her too much that's why.. 2 days le.. tomorrow will be the third day.. hope i can see her on fri.. but.. -ssighh- don't dare to think so high.. don't want to disappoint myself and *her..

sat i olso not free.. have to study with friends.. end of semester exam coming.. being a slacker for the past few months, i have to work much harder than others.. i still don't whether i can pass my common test or not.. then end of semester coming.. i really don't know what to do.. -ssighh-

i'm looking forward to the holidays.. at least even if i have to work more, i know that i have more time for *her as i don't have to study.. work won't take so much time of mine.. =] well, guess i've gotta go.. study~ -ssighh-

i miss *you girl... hope to see you soon.. i love *you lots.. -hugs- & *kisses* i won't leave *you.. i will make sure we won't drift apart even if we seldom see each other.. i won't let myself think so much and affect us.. i know how much *you mean to me after so much.. and through these days when we don't see each other, i know how much i miss *you.. my love for *you won't die just like that.. it will last.. till the day i die.. our vows.. our love.. our faith.. our future.. there's something which i always say and promise.. and i want to let everyone knows.. *You are my last girl.. after *you, i won't have anymore steads.. and this ring will always be with me.. even if i don't qualify to wear it on my finger, it'll be on my neck.. just like the previous ring.. i still want to say this before i go..

+ I love *YOU +

I know I am not a good stead.. Someone who only knows how to use break ups as an excuse for everything.. Do u know how i really feel? I know I didn't give u all the tender, love and care u need.. I never really care about how u feel whenever i leave.. I'm trying.. ever since that day I realised how much u mean to me.. leave or break up is no longer in my mind.. I really want to live my life with you.. Do u understand how i feel?

I know u have low self esteem.. Have I ever blame u for that? I've never regret patching with u.. I've never regret loving u.. I've never regret waiting for u.. Now, i regretted.. i regret living alive.. I regret hurting u.. I regret making u love me.. Do u know how i feel?

Why do you always have to ask me the same question, " So have u fallen for her*?" you know i only want u.. i only love u.. why bother asking me the question? i don't care if she* is nicole or gillian.. I only know a girl in my life called isA. .. The girl i've always wanted to spend my life with.. A girl i've waited for 5months.. a girl whom i love so much.. Do u know how I feel?

Now i really sit down and think about it.. Do i want a break up? i don't know.. i want u and yet i'm afraid that u will push me to someone else again.. u know i won't fall for any of them.. Like i've told u on 18th Dec 03, when u pushed me to Gina.. I've told u.. If u were to ask me to choose, i rather choose none.. It's the same here.. if u were to push me to any of them again, i rather go.. I'm left with no choice.. it's not that i don't love u..

U know how it feels when both me and nique pushed u around that time.. u know it hurts.. i'm not someone who has no feelings.. i know what is pain.. the scars on my hand.. the hurt in my heart.. the numbness in my mind.. it's all for u..

i love u for who u are.. i don't care if u are a good girl.. i don't care if u are rich.. i don't care if u are a flirt.. i don't care if u have low self-esteem.. i don't care about anything except our love.. our future.. our life.. Just because of ur low self-esteem, u keep pushing me to someone else... thinking that u are not suitable for me.. is it fair to me? i know nothing on earth is fair, but does it have to be so unfair till i have to be like this?

i'm sorry.. to u, eve, gina and everyone, i've cut myself again.. i've tortured myself with detergent again.. i can't stand this anymore.. i'm going crazy.. no one knows.. no one bothers.. mom's asleep and u weren't here.. i know u have suffered throughout the night.. do u think i'm living well? I lived for u.. u know how much u mean to me.. how important you are to me.. i've given u till this morning.. if i don't hear from you, i'll take it that u won't want something called forever anymore.. i will go.. AGAIN..

This time, if i ever go, i won't come back.. i'll really be gone.. nothing will be heard from me.. i really hope all these are said because of my anger.. i'm tired.. with all these things.. i'm already sick of school.. i'm left with u and work.. if i were to go, i don't know what i'll do.. but i'm sure i'll leave this cyber world.. back to my real world with school and work.. like i've said.. when i'm determined with someone, i won't back out.. i won't run away..

So much of memories in my head.. I still remember wat Gina told me.. " u put in so much of effort and now u tell me that u wanna give up?" i  have to say this, i don't want to.. i really don't.. but, think about it, who cares? no one will believe me.. u think that u love me more than i love u.. u think that i only love u a little bit.. can love be compared? u must well say that i don't love u... i've left the choice with u..

hey people, my blogspot is up~ feel free to link it.. thanx.. anyway, this blog won't be in use anymore.. i'll still leave it there for memories.. so, take care.. =]

hey peeps, after using blogdrive for so long, i've decided to go back to blogspot.. while blogspot's web is still under construction, i'll still be here.. i won't be using my old blogspot.. i'm creating a new one.. after so long, i almost forget how to use it le.. so people, pls bear with me as i'm still creating my background.. anyway, just to keep u people informed.. these few days of mine is disaster.. nothing much to say le.. -=[gone]=-