I know I am not a good stead.. Someone who only knows how to use break ups as an excuse for everything.. Do u know how i really feel? I know I didn't give u all the tender, love and care u need.. I never really care about how u feel whenever i leave.. I'm trying.. ever since that day I realised how much u mean to me.. leave or break up is no longer in my mind.. I really want to live my life with you.. Do u understand how i feel?

I know u have low self esteem.. Have I ever blame u for that? I've never regret patching with u.. I've never regret loving u.. I've never regret waiting for u.. Now, i regretted.. i regret living alive.. I regret hurting u.. I regret making u love me.. Do u know how i feel?

Why do you always have to ask me the same question, " So have u fallen for her*?" you know i only want u.. i only love u.. why bother asking me the question? i don't care if she* is nicole or gillian.. I only know a girl in my life called isA. .. The girl i've always wanted to spend my life with.. A girl i've waited for 5months.. a girl whom i love so much.. Do u know how I feel?

Now i really sit down and think about it.. Do i want a break up? i don't know.. i want u and yet i'm afraid that u will push me to someone else again.. u know i won't fall for any of them.. Like i've told u on 18th Dec 03, when u pushed me to Gina.. I've told u.. If u were to ask me to choose, i rather choose none.. It's the same here.. if u were to push me to any of them again, i rather go.. I'm left with no choice.. it's not that i don't love u..

U know how it feels when both me and nique pushed u around that time.. u know it hurts.. i'm not someone who has no feelings.. i know what is pain.. the scars on my hand.. the hurt in my heart.. the numbness in my mind.. it's all for u..

i love u for who u are.. i don't care if u are a good girl.. i don't care if u are rich.. i don't care if u are a flirt.. i don't care if u have low self-esteem.. i don't care about anything except our love.. our future.. our life.. Just because of ur low self-esteem, u keep pushing me to someone else... thinking that u are not suitable for me.. is it fair to me? i know nothing on earth is fair, but does it have to be so unfair till i have to be like this?

i'm sorry.. to u, eve, gina and everyone, i've cut myself again.. i've tortured myself with detergent again.. i can't stand this anymore.. i'm going crazy.. no one knows.. no one bothers.. mom's asleep and u weren't here.. i know u have suffered throughout the night.. do u think i'm living well? I lived for u.. u know how much u mean to me.. how important you are to me.. i've given u till this morning.. if i don't hear from you, i'll take it that u won't want something called forever anymore.. i will go.. AGAIN..

This time, if i ever go, i won't come back.. i'll really be gone.. nothing will be heard from me.. i really hope all these are said because of my anger.. i'm tired.. with all these things.. i'm already sick of school.. i'm left with u and work.. if i were to go, i don't know what i'll do.. but i'm sure i'll leave this cyber world.. back to my real world with school and work.. like i've said.. when i'm determined with someone, i won't back out.. i won't run away..

So much of memories in my head.. I still remember wat Gina told me.. " u put in so much of effort and now u tell me that u wanna give up?" i  have to say this, i don't want to.. i really don't.. but, think about it, who cares? no one will believe me.. u think that u love me more than i love u.. u think that i only love u a little bit.. can love be compared? u must well say that i don't love u... i've left the choice with u..